Became my refuge. I could do whatever I wanted behind the closed, locked door. I could scream, cry, rage…as often as I needed. I could sleep away the daylight hours- -so I did not have to think. And for months, this was all that I did. It was my cocoon, and it allowed me to begin healing.
Hubby had taken away my self-worth. I had trusted him implicitly to take care of me, to have my best interests at heart, as I did his. I had chosen to “cleave” my life with his, until death do us part. A few short months after we married…death was parting us…the death of our child. Perhaps the death of our marriage. Definitely the death of my dreams for our future.
He ran, leaving me to deal with the aftermath.
When he ran…I felt worth less…not worthless…but I felt that he did not value me.
But Jane’s Apartment was giving me back my sense of worth.
I had started back to work, getting out into the world. Going to eat with co-workers before our shift, and many nights after work we would all head back to Jane’s Apartment, have a few drinks together and cook breakfast. Several nights a week the small main room of the duplex was filled with all of us eating and laughing. Other nights there were just a few of us watching movies. Most nights Larry was there with the others, watching from a distance, making sure I was okay.
I got into a routine, work, sleep, a few drinks and friends to stave away the pain until I was alone again. It was getting easier to cope, the nights that I spent alone were still difficult. In the dark of the night, all alone in my little hovel, I had nothing to distract me.
During these times, the worth less feelings would creep in…and lodge in my heart. It was rare that I was completely alone, many times I would share my couch or other side of the bed with those who had too many drinks to drive to drive home.
Then Jane came home…
Mr. Right had turned once again in “Mr. REALLY Wrong” and Jane needed to remove herself from the relationship…she wanted to come home.
She wanted to move into the second bedroom of my cocoon. To move in with me. Of course I told her to come, although I knew that I was not ready. I was not ready to share my space and my grief.
But I loved Jane! She had been my closest friend for years, and I knew what it was like to need a place to “be”.
Jane seemed to seamlessly return to her life. She moved home, went back to work, moved back into Jane’s Apartment, and started to come back to the club.
It seemed so easy for her-but it changed my routine incredibly. Jane worked at 8 a.m., so that curtailed our late night get-togethers and all night movie marathons.
Although, I was happy that she was home and safe, I was not as free to do what I wanted. Especially in the middle of the night, when the darkness would close in and I needed the distraction.
We moved the week-night employee parties to other’s homes, and many nights I was sleeping on their couches and their empty side of the bed’s.
During the week-end’s we were back at Jane’s Apartment, and she joined in on the fun. I was happy to share this time with her and introduce her to my friends. She was quickly getting over “Mr. REALLY Wrong” and was ready to move on with her life.
Jane was very conscious that Larry was watching over me, she became really attracted to his qualities. We three spent a lot of time together, Larry made sure that she was never left out, the Three Musketeers we became.
Setting up my two best friends…
Seemed like such a great idea…Jane was already infatuated…Larry was very different than her usual suitor. He was just as handsome, just as fun, but she could see the goodness in his heart by the way he treated me.
Larry was fantastic, I could see his wonderful qualities, I was very aware that he was a thoughtful and respectful man. But I was also very aware of the fact that I was married. I was questioning whether or not the marriage was worth saving, but I was still married. It seemed like the next best thing…setting up my two best friends…and the only two people that I trusted completely.
I broached the subject with Larry at out next lunch outing. That evening, Jane floated into the club, looking radiant, Larry had called her and and they set up a date for his next free evening .
What could be better? Your two best friends, and only allies, beginning a budding romantic relationship?
What could be better than that?