Extremely Awkward Next Morning…
As it was I hardly slept. I lay awake feeling a gamut of emotions. I had no idea how or what to feel. Hoping that Larry would not want to talk about the “accidental kiss”, I lay there listening to his breathing, waiting for him to fall asleep. I wanted to get up, to sneak away. It seemed like I lay there for hours, not moving, hoping that he would think I was sleeping-so he would not talk to me.
I awoke to the light of the morning coming through the window, Larry was still asleep, and like a coward I grabbed my shoes and tip-toed out of the room. The crew was still snoozing on couches and chairs, as I let myself out of the house.
The queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach would not go away. I was hoping that I was making too much of the incident. But I knew better than to ignore that nauseous feeling in my gut, it usually meant that my sub-conscious knew-before I did-that something ominous was brewing.
Jane was still in bed when I got home, thankfully, and I crawled into my own bed, stewing in the dark.
Opening a can of worms…
For the last several months all I thought about was survival, mentally and physically. I did not allow myself to think very far into the future. June was the target, getting to June. At that point I could inform the hubby that I was leaving our marriage. I never thought beyond. I did not think about what I was going to do with my life. I had no plans.
I was still focusing on surviving. Burning time, one day to the next. The future was not something that I could envision or dream about. I had no goals, no ambitions, all of my energy was focused on June.
Telling the hubby was not going to be easy. I did not think that he would take it well. I do not think that he really wanted to be married to me, he had shown me otherwise-through his actions. I think that I was part of his game-plan, a young wife that would listen to everything he said, who would do what he wanted, who would obey him, a wife who would make him look good. I was filling a role that he had created in his head.
He did not want a wife who would have her own thoughts, ideas, dreams and goals. Definitely not a wife who would speak her mind and disagree. Making decisions for himself and doing what he wanted was top priority for him and I don’t think he ever really wanted a wife, but he was stuck with me.
I believe that the current show of depression and contriteness were for the benefit of his family and friends. It had nothing to do with me, or how he really felt. In my mind it was all an act, to gain sympathy from others. He did not want me, he did not want the responsibility that came with marriage. He was looking for the benefit, he was thinking of himself and his image.
At this point he had garnered everyone’s sympathy. He was the wronged one. I was the young, impetuous girl, that was throwing in the towel without regard for anyone but myself. I was not playing the victim, I realized that in the past I had made decisions rashly, that I had thought of myself first. Not thinking of the bigger picture and the others that would be effected by my actions.
But no one else had seen hubby’s face in the airport, when he turned and left me devastated. There had been no look of indecision on his face, he had not been torn watching me cry, not been effected by my plea for him to stay. It was as if he was a stranger, someone that I had never met. This, I believe was my true husband. Not the man crying over the phone from thousands of miles away. Not the man who was talking with the chaplain about his suicidal thoughts.
That is why I avoided his calls…
As often as I could. His pleas would wear me down. I was even, if just for a moment, falling into his trap. When I answered the phone I would remind myself to be strong, to remember who I was really talking to. It was difficult for me at times to separate the man I thought I loved from the character he was playing. I wanted hubby to be the man I married. I wanted life to be simple again. To be his bride, to dream of our future.
It was a pattern. He called, I stayed strong, he cried, I weakened, he continued to plead, I fought for answers, he retaliated. Then I would remember. The hope would disappear with the harsh words he spoke. From thousands of miles away his intensity scared me. The pattern had repeated itself for the first several months, now I was scared to answer the phone-I knew how the conversation would end. And his instability frightened me.
Jane was the only one who had been witness to my phone conversations with hubby. She had been present a few times while we talked. She had seen my confusion at the beginning of the calls, but she only heard my end of the exchange. But no one heard the things that hubby said to me, and I could not describe my feelings of fear and anxiety. I tried to articulate how unstable I felt he was, but everyone thought I was exaggerating or reading more into the situation. So, I kept it to myself.
Now I had the “accidental kiss” situation added to the mix. I was dealing with hubby, Jane’s bitterness, and now that “kiss”. I would have loved to talk with someone about all of the thoughts running through my mind, but the three people I trusted most; Hubby, Jane and Larry-were at the heart of all the issues.
I could not talk to Hubby about Jane or Larry, and I did not want to. Giving him more ammunition to throw at me would have been ludicrous.
I could not talk to Jane, she was so bitter about Larry that she had attempted to force me to end my friendship with him. There was no way that I was telling her about the incident.
I did not want to discuss this with Larry. I was afraid to lose another friend. Throughout the past several months he was the only one who was a constant support. He had never asked anything of me, he was just there, always.
I definitely could not discuss this with hubby’s family or my family.
So, I stewed in my thoughts…
I lay in the dark contemplating my life. I like things in order, chaos is stressful, and so my mind would go round and round-like a hamster on a wheel-going nowhere.
I pulled the covers over my head, mentally and figuratively, and planned to stay that way-as long as possible.