I Want To End This Relationship!!!

“It’s me, not you, really.”

The often used break-up line just won’t work. Because it is ME! It is all me. And I know it. But, I do not know how to fix it, so we need to part ways.

This relationship is not healthy. I do not get any benefit out of our interactions. You do nothing for me. And you constantly take over my entire life.

So, it is done!!! OVER!!! You need to stop the sneak attacks and the stalking. I will not allow you to continue your sadistic treatment. You have taken so much from me, it is time for me to move on and reclaim what’s mine!

How easy it would be…

if this was truly the end of our relationship. Leaving a “Dear John” letter on the bedside table, to stealthily go into hiding in the dark of the night, to take a new identity…going into witness protection.

All of these things seem drastic, but to get away from a stalker, sometimes drastic moves are needed. If someone stole my identity, my emotions, my life, and continued to beat up on me long after I waved the white flag of surrender…I would disappear and start over. I would take any measures needed to take back my life.

But it is just not that simple…

Sometimes I feel a bit crazy…no one else can see my stalker…or feel him around me. I am not mentally insane…I am not making it up…I am not looking for pity, or empathy, or sympathy. Sometimes in the looks that I am given, I can see the doubt. I realize that I “look” fine…I don’t look beaten…I don’t have broken bones or blackened eyes. But I am being terrorized.

I know who my stalker is…

And each time that I tell someone about him…they tell me to avoid my abuser. Seriously? Don’t you think I know that! I do not willingly invite my enemy over for coffee, I do not make lunch dates, or plan sleep overs. When I feel my stalker is approaching I avert my eyes, like a child, covering my face with my hands…if I cannot see him…hopefully he cannot see me.

My stalker is inside of me. How do you run from yourself? No matter how far that I run I take the enemy with me. How do you fight something inside your body? Something that evades detection. With every scan, ultrasound, blood test…the stalker finds a place to hide…no one has ever seen it…I am the only one who feels it’s presence.

My Stalker’s name is “Stress”….

We have had an ongoing relationship for most of my adult life. And I am doing my best to evade him. But sometimes it feels impossible. He seeks me out at every turn, leaving behind a trail of “gifts” that I would rather not receive. Especially the last gift…

“The onset of at least 50% of autoimmune disorders has been attributed to “unknown trigger factors”. Physical and psychological stress has been implicated in the development of autoimmune disease, since numerous animal and human studies demonstrated the effect of sundry stressors on immune function. Moreover, many retrospective studies found that a high proportion (up to 80%) of patients reported uncommon emotional stress before disease onset. Unfortunately, not only does stress cause disease, but the disease itself also causes significant stress in the patients, creating a vicious cycle.” (PUBMED.GOV)

In the midst of the cyclone…

Stress causes disease…disease made me unable to work…loss of my income…stress over money…causes me to see many doctors and specialists…which create more bills…leads to financial stress…which leads to worsening symptoms…no cause or cure can be found…more stress…seeing my husband worry…more stress…having to say “no” to my kids…more stress…having an unknown disease…stress…

Round and round and round it goes…where it stops…no one knows….

I want to hide…to bury my head in the sand. Does anyone know of a place where you can hide from yourself? Cause right now…I want to run, I want to hide, but most of all I want to break up with ME!

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  • http://www.facebook.com/RealArmyofMoms Adam Gman

    I so have this same stalker. I even ended up with Shingles just recently. SHINGLES?! Every one says but you are not old…LOL id only it were that easy. Thanks for the post and hang in there sister

    • nikkiham

      I am hanging in…I will evade as much as possible….Good luck to you…duck and run…xoxoxo