Making The Decision To Be Bad~1989 (Chapter 26)

As much as I agonized over the decision…

To proceed with a relationship with Larry, I fooled myself into thinking that making the decision would be the hardest part. After seeing the look on his face I realized that he wanted more from me, but days and weeks went by, and we were still hanging out as friends. I would catch him looking at me, and I am sure that he caught me gazing his way, but we were at a stand still.

Neither one of us broached the conversation.

And  I was extremely confused. I had struggled in deliberation with myself, thinking that once I was certain-the limbo would end.  But obviously all of the struggle had been inside my head, how was Larry to know what I had decided. Larry had always treated me with respect and although I was not letting my marriage hold me back, I am sure that it was a barrier to him.

For the next several weeks we saw each other at work, I could feel the tension between us, but neither one of us talked about the elephant in the room. Each time he brushed by me, touched me, or put his arm around me, the connection grew stronger. It was becoming almost unbearable. We had a few employee get together’s during this time, but it seemed as if there was an invisible barrier between us, even after a few drinks.

Phone conversations with the hubby were few and far between, even though I had made a decision to end our marriage, I was feeling guilty. I wanted to tell him, but wanted to do it in person, not on the phone from thousands of miles away. And I was avoiding it. I was not just with-holding the information for his benefit, I was hiding it. Putting it off. Acting as if he did not exist. I felt as if hubby and his calls were an imposition, hubby became an intrusion in my life.

Making my move…

One night, after we closed down the club, we all got together for a few drinks. I pulled Larry aside and asked him if we could talk. He glanced at his watch before leading me to a more private area, informing me that he had a few minutes before he needed to leave. That puzzled me, what could he have to do at 1 a.m.? But I was more focused on the conversation and brushed it aside.

It took all of my courage to bring up the kiss, and to ask him how he felt about me. I am not sure what I was expecting…I was the one who was married…but I obviously had put that commitment to the side.

He smiled a tender smile, and shook his head. This was not a talk that he ever imagined that we would be having. He let me know that he cared deeply about me, but would not allow himself to dwell on the possibilities. Although he felt that hubby did not love me or treat me humanely, I was still married.

In fact, our time was up, he needed to go…

He was going to pick up his “date” when she finished work and he did not want to be late.

 

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