First and Foremost…
I want to thank you all for reading my words. And continuously coming back to read more.
Question #1 Why are you sharing your story with the world?
When I began to write my life’s story I had no idea that so many of you would read each chapter-sometimes all in one sitting-and I had absolutely no clue that so many people would be helped or encouraged by the telling.
I started writing The Letting Go Series so that I could go through my life and examine it piece by piece…bit by bit…so I could possibly figure things out. Why I am like I am. Why was being loved more important than anything else in the entire world? But most of all, I want to let go of the guilt that I hold due to the decisions that I made. If I can work my way through it all maybe, finally, I can forgive myself.
To live the rest of my life without the pressing weight of guilt-that I carry on my back-is my goal. I want to know what it is like to live free. Who I can be if I really just let it all go. This is the result that I am hoping for. And maybe, just maybe, my story will help others to work their way through their own story.
Question #2 Do I dislike the military?
I still cry when I sing the National Anthem, it never gets old. I loved being married to a military man. I loved living on base. The other wives and families are so open and friendly, they know no strangers. I grew up in a small town and the military base was very similar. Everyone looked out for everyone else. I loved it all.
Even when I sat alone in our apartment on my 21st birthday-having just moved to the base-I knew very few people, I was lonely but I did not blame the military. I made the decision to marry a military man and I realized that when I married him I also married the USMC.
I just married the wrong military man. He would have been the wrong man even if he was a CEO, a plumber, or the President. When we parted ways he angrily spat these words to me…”The next man you marry will be military too…you just love the military life.” He was right. Larry was Air Force.
The military was not the issue, the deployments were not the issue. The issue…I made a really bad decision. I DID, all by myself. Uncle Sam had nothing to do with it.
Question #3 Is this helping?
Yes and no. It is helping me to remember. I am using what I am learning to instill more self-esteem and self-worth into my children. And I see it working. This particular part of the story is very difficult and the largest part of the guilt that I carry. I want to tell it, but I am so accustomed to hiding the truth from myself, buried deep down inside and it has been hard to drag it out.
During the process I have been moody, short tempered, on the edge of tears and at times the nightmares have returned.
So…yes, I think that it is working.
Question #4 When are you going to write a book?
Since the first time this question was posed, I have not been able to completely dismiss it. I believe that someday, in some form, this will be a book…but I am not sure how it will be packaged. Fiction, Non-Fiction??
Maybe when I get past the rough bits I will figure out which direction to go.
Question #5 You have had such bad luck, are you happy now?
Ha! “If I had no bad luck I’d have no luck at all…Gloom…Despair…and agony on me.” Remember that song from Hee-Haw ( I believe) in the 1970’s??
Honestly, I do not think that I have had bad luck at all. I made all the decisions that put me into these situations. I was a bad decision maker. My ability to choose was over-shadowed by my need to be loved. Yes, Hubby was a genuine ASS, but I chose him. Or I guess I should say that I allowed him to choose me.
During this process I have been haunted by the fact that I may have seen myself as a victim when I was younger. I may have been guilty of blaming others for my misfortune…in fact, I am pretty sure that I did. That makes me feel embarrassment for my younger self. I have learned, thankfully, over the years to accept my failures as my own. I am also learning to accept my strengths, and I am learning, at long last, to like myself and to take control of who I am and who I want to be.
And yes, I am happy now! I have been married to my husband for 15 years, I have 2 great children and the best dog ever.
Honestly, if I could turn things around…from past misery to current happiness…anyone can!
Question #6 If you could ask for anything from your readers, what would it be?
Ha! I am so happy that you are all coming along for the ride. But, I would love more feedback! Please leave your comments just below on the blog and I will answer ASAP, let me know what you are thinking…are you following the whole story? Do you enjoy the installments? Sign up for all my Chapters to come to you via email…upper right hand corner…
But most of all…be kind to yourself…like yourself…know yourself! People are drawn to those who are confident about who they are. I sure wish that I would have realized that as I was growing up! How can you expect someone to know and love you if you do not know and love yourself?
And lastly I have realized…”You are who you are because of decisions that you have made. You are where you are because of decisions that you have made.”
Until next time…