When there are three…
The threesome of Jane, Larry and I had always revolved around me. I was the common denominator. I was friends with each of them before they met each other.
In a threesome, someone is always in the middle…that person is in the center of all conversation… whether they have something to say…or if they are just listening…they are in the midst of it all.
Over the next several days,
Jane was exhilarated with the anticipation of her upcoming date with Larry. What to wear, how to do her hair, how to lose 5 pounds in just a few days… Most of the time we spent together was consumed by the preparations for their date.
That was fine with me, it took my mind off of my troubles.
When Larry and I spoke, he had no preconceived thoughts about the date, he was not dreaming of his future entwined with Jane’s. It was just a date. Two people, set-up by a friend. He was looking forward to it, but like a typical male, he did not put a lot of thought into his outfit, hairstyle or conversation-it would come together, he was not devoting much time to it.
I was not jealous…
I had enough to worry about. I was still grieving and dealing with hubby on the phone. I did not really think about much during this time…just getting from one minute to the next.
I was still very undecided about my future, I was in a limbo of sorts. I was married…but not really married. In my mind I knew that I was not hubby’s first priority…or second, maybe not even third or fourth. But marriage was not just a piece of paper to me, either. In my heart I knew that my definition of marriage was vastly different than hubby’s and I did not believe that I could reconcile with the way that he defined me, his wife.
My heart knew, but my mind was not ready. I would have to admit failure. Not only to myself, but my family, and the hundreds of guests at our wedding. I would have to admit that I rushed into the marriage…that I ignored all pleas to slow down and think things through.
So…I was ignoring my heart, and listening to my head. At the same time I was heeding the advice I had been given…to not sever my marriage while hubby was thousands of miles away. That in all fairness to him, I should wait until he was back in the U.S.A.
This may sound callous…
But I was avoiding his calls. Each time the phone rang I cringed…letting it roll over to the answering machine. Every time he called it was the same old thing…he was sorry, he was depressed, he was talking to a pastor, he was being watched over because of his precarious mental state…and he cried. He did not ask how I was, it was all about him.
I know that it sounds callous. He was hurting and I was avoiding him. Not very wifely. Not very supportive.
But he made these decisions. He decided to walk away. He decided to volunteer for a tour of duty knowing that the baby would be born while he was gone. He left me hemorrhaging in the airport-very aware that I had to drive myself more than 90 minutes back to the hospital-while losing drastic amounts of blood. He made all of these decisions…but left me to deal with the consequences…
Where was the man that I had dated? The military man who lived up to his responsibilities? The man who loved me, cared for me, put me first?
Now all I heard was a crying, sniveling boy who wanted me to continually clean up. I had cleaned up all of his messes and I was done cleaning.
Funny thing about having a room-mate. I never really thought about how much my life would change when Jane came home. Another decision that I did not really think through.
I was not ready to share my space, but it was Jane’s space first. She allowed me to take over her lease so that I could get out from under the watchful eye of my mother-in-law…how could I refuse to take her in?
Not only was I sharing my space…I was sharing my friends…I was sharing the club where I worked and the crew-as she stopped in most nights…I was sharing the bathroom-and my late night marathon bubble-baths came to an end. And I was attending after work get-together’s miles away from my own bed so that she could get her sleep.
I also had to watch who I talked to about Jane, and what I said about her…now that she was entering a budding relationship with Larry, she wanted to control the information that he was given about her.
All of the above were an inconvenience, but they were not the worst.
The worst was sharing the phone. The absolute worst.
Now that I had a room-mate, she also had part-ownership of the phone. Although, she realized that I did not want to talk to hubby each and every time he called…she answered the phone, and acted apologetic as she handed me the receiver.
I had moved to get out from under the watchful eye of my mother-in-law, only to replace it with another.
Feeling Stuck in the Middle…
On all fronts. The freedom to make choices for myself was being taken away. After months of rebuilding my life-it was crumbling again.
Reality was intruding via Jane. Although I loved her, and wanted the best for her…
Once again…I was stuck in the middle…
Only this time, it was not a comforting place to be.
I was adrift, looking for something/anything to hold on to.