As I am working through the unknown territory…
That is my new life, I am learning new things everyday. I have known since I was young that I care far too much about what others think. I have no idea when it started. But my whole life has been based upon this premise.
“If I did this________, would people like me more?” If I wore this__________, would I be cooler? Why do I think about things differently than others! If I thought the same way others do, maybe they would like me more.”
Oh, the games that I played with myself growing up. If I could just figure out the magic that enabled everyone around me to effortlessly move through life and popularity… I endlessly searched for those answers. I would dwell over minute issues…issues that seemed like mountain hills, at the time. The answers had to be there, why couldn’t I figure them out.
If I had a dime for every conversation that I had with myself while I was growing up, like the examples above, I would be rich. RICH, I say! But who am I kidding? I still have those conversations. I still feel that there is something that I am missing. I still try to fit in and find angst in the fact that I don’t.
So…the first thing that I am working on is…
What other people think of me is none of my business!
And I am finding it a very difficult task! I am the girl that always takes a consensus, from everyone, before making a decision. From friends, co-workers, the UPS man, the lady checking me out at the grocery store…Most of the time I do not trust my own feelings, or maybe I don’t trust that others will agree with me, or the decisions that I make. The whole process makes me anxious. I lose sleep, eat too much-sweets especially.
But I am trying to be more trusting of myself. No one else knows what I want. In fact, when you ask someone else’s opinon, their answer is always shaded with their feelings about the subject, their feelings…not yours. So why am I so worried about what my peers have to say…or what they think…or if they talk about me…or if they are thinking about me? In most cases, the only person that really matters is ME.
This is a brand new life-style for me…
In fact, I just the other day I asked the opinion of the multitudes before I publishing an article that I had written. One person thought it was too long, one never answered my query, my hubby loved it (Ha! He knows better!), and my mentor, Katy, wrote me a glowing note of praise. So, now I was at a cross-road, dithering…what to do…what to do???
Now that I am attempting to trust myself more…I would have possibly asked two of these people to review it, and not bothered with the rest. I would have asked the hubby…cause I love him to see how smart his wife is! (Ha!) And I still would have asked Katy. Katy is a wonderful writer, and she is honest about reviewing my work…for that I love her. I know that she had no feelings involved with the words that I had written and she gave an unbiased critique. Thanks again Katy, xooxoxox.
I write because I love to write. I love to tell a story, share my opinions, start a conversation, share what I am learning-in hopes that by writing it down I can see it more clearly-and it may just help someone else figure out what they are going through-directly or indirectly.
When an idea for an article comes to me I wrestle with it for days, weeks, sometimes months. I let the ideas gyrate around in my mind, like the spin cycle of a washing machine. As the thoughts fall together in a new sequence I begin to write. Once an idea gets to this point…it is impossible NOT to write about it. If I do not get things written down, they niggle at the back of my mind, nudging me harder and more frequently…driving me nuts.
So…why do I bother asking everyone (and their cousins) if I should write the article? I already know that it is begging to be written, if I am the only one reading it…then so be it!
Not that I do not love hearing that my work is being read, I do. In fact, recently I have been stopped by several people who wanted to tell me that they are reading my series. I was astounded, flattered, and I nearly fell over. They asked me to hurry and write the next installment, they were dying to know what happened next. (Pardon me while I brush away a tear or two of gratitude…sniff…sniff.)
So…I am working on trusting myself, to keeping counsel with me, myself, and I. If I truly keep this in mind, I can move on to the next step…and let me tell you…it is a doozy!