The Line Between Life And Death…

Is incredibly thin.

It is unfathomable to me how one decision, one feeling, one action can make the line obsolete. One moment someone is here, on earth, and the next they are gone.

Each day we pass others on the street, wave hello, proffer a smile to a stranger, or hug friends/family members. Not realizing that this may be the last wave, smile or hug that may be exchanged. Ever.


Three pivotal men…

Played rolls in my life. Each one instigated or had a part in changing the direction of my life.

That is a huge thing.

To me these men have held room in my memory. For over 20 years they have lived within the pages of the scrap book in my mind. For over 20 years.

Two of these men never knew how drastically they effected my life. They were living their lives, consuming, gaining, profiting. I was collateral damage. A bit, or blip, on the radar of their existence. The destination of my life was altered by their choices. I was just one of many.

The third man was my life. My heart. My love. His life was directly altered by the first two men. He was dispensable. They threw him away.

Each one of them…

Over the last 20 years, had skirted the line between life and death. Flirted with it. Lived on the edge. Until they didn’t. Live, that is.

All three of these men, these men that were pivotal in my life, committed suicide.

Each one of them.

There are tears in my eyes…

And a sick feeling in my stomach as I write this. I am overwhelmed with sorrow and sadness.

I have been there.

I have flirted with the line. Because of life, love and depression. Or the loss of life and love.

Because, for a moment, just a moment, I could not see past-or beyond. I could not dig myself clear of the darkness. But for me, it was only a moment.

How sad, for each of these men, that they could not see the light. Not even a glimmer.

I knew,

When I was playing with the line between life and death, that if I crossed that line there was no coming back. ┬áIf I crossed the line, there were no “mulligans”, or “do overs”, or “trying again”.

In fact last year, as I lay in bed, month after month, that line was becoming very blurred. It was difficult for me to see the difference between the two sides. My life was bed-rest. Pain. Loneliness. And it was not only taking a toll on me, it was taking a toll on my husband and children. A huge toll.

For a moment, here and there, I thought about crossing the line. About taking all of my medication, about falling asleep. Checking out. Letting everyone else free of me, and the burden I was imposing upon them.

For a moment.

But unlike the three men,

Pivotal men, in my life…I still had faith. It was only the size of a mustard seed. Maybe smaller. But it was there. Inside me. A small glimmer of light.

I wish that everyone could hold within them a mustard seed.

I am saddened.

That these men could not see both sides of the line. Or a glimmer of light. Or hope.

I am devastated that they only saw two choices, pain or death.

We four lived the same life path…

We traveled together. Their choices, whether good or bad, produced my options. For many years we were braided together. Intertwined.

Though greed, avarice and gluttony were driving forces of their lives, they were still on the same path. Influencing events, and harvesting people that I loved. They were bigger than life, it seemed.

Now they are gone. They could not see their mustard seed. The line was crossed. And there is no “mulligan”, or “do over”. Each one of these men was loved. Others have been hurt deeply, because the line was crossed.

I have been the one left behind. Holding a bag of questions that will never be answered. Harboring the hurt, feeling I was not enough. Knowing that there were secrets and hurts, both too deep, too overwhelming to be spoken, darkness that was not shared with me. Wishing for over 20 years that I was enough. Carrying the guilt, like a weight on my back. Feeling inadequate, their leaving meant that I was not reason enough to stay.

And I am saddened.

Most of all, I am devastated by the fact that they could not see any reason to stay. That their pain was bigger. I cannot imagine pain, that is so big, so deep, so wide, that you cannot see past it. Pain that will not let you reach out to someone, anyone, and let them pull you away from the line.

Although I felt no love for two of these men, they were part of my life, my past.

Now, they are all gone. And I am saddened.

This article was written because of overwhelming loss and sadness. It was on my heart today. Heavily.

Today is also Friday, which coincides with Finish The Sentence Friday. So, the topic today was “I have absolutely no interest in…”

This post falls into that category for me, although two of these pivotal men caused me much pain and loss, today I am not interested in what they did, decisions that they made, losses that they were a catalyst for. All of that has paled and faded by their choice to cross the line. I am not interested in retribution, or justification, or karma. I am rocked to the core by the loss. And I am sending love to each and every one of their family members and friends. I have been there. The one left behind.



  1. Kristi - Finding Ninee says

    What a powerful, heart-breaking and beautifully written essay on your sadness, Nikki. There was a time many years ago when I flirted with the line too but I’ve always found my mustard seed. I’m so sorry for your loss and for all of those affected by suicide. It’s just horrible. A friend of mine’s son crossed the line. He was only 16. I so wish he’d found his mustard seed. Thanks for writing what I’m sure was very painful to write. It’s a very important subject.

    • nikkiham says

      Suicide saddens me, no matter the reason, the person, the age. I think that I am far too curious about what is around the corner, even when life seems like it will never get better I am always wondering what is next. How sad not to be alive to find out what was next. I am so sorry for your friend. The loss is horrible, but the guilt eats you up.

  2. says

    Can’t even imagine Nikki and will say I knew one young man when I was in high school, who was a friend of mine, who did commit suicide and you are right there is no coming back from this. So sad and will never forget how one minute he was with us and the next he wasn’t. So sorry for all your losses and thank you for sharing with us today.

    • nikkiham says

      Suicide is so sad for everyone, there will never be answers, and as someone who searches for answers it is as if your mind goes round and round-forever-and you can never know what the last straw, or the final crisis was. And you can never fix it.

      You were very young to experience suicide, and I am sure that it has effected you and his loved ones for the rest of your life.

  3. says

    For me it was my parent’s friend when I was 15. So shocking and I never really wrapped my head around it. He left behind two young daughters.

    • nikkiham says

      That is so sad Tamara. Loss is always hard, but especially when it is chosen. I agree, you cannot wrap your head around it. I am sure that his family, like me, would love answers, hopefully someday we will get them.

  4. says

    You do have a very important message here, about the mustard seed of faith. I know it must have been hard for you to share your pain, so thank you for telling your story. And you should be proud of yourself for making the right choice.

    • nikkiham says

      Thank you. It was hard at the time, but all I could think of was who I was leaving behind, for my son it would then have been both his parents who chose to leave. What type of legacy or life lesson would that have left? And I am too curious about the unknown, what is coming next in my life, God works in mysterious ways, that helped me to hang on. But not everyone has that.

  5. Kelly McKenzie says

    Oh Nikki. How very very sad to have 3 losses to suicide. I am so sorry. The fact that you were able to discern that kernel of light amongst all of that speaks volumes.

    • nikkiham says

      Kelly you seem like a care-taker, like me. In the end I couldn’t choose to leave, who would take care of everyone when I was gone? And I know what that feels like, to be left. I decided to stay, and I am ecstatic that I did. But for the grace of God…

  6. Madeline Laughs says

    Suicide always leaves behind more pain than comfort. I have always told myself that if this was the way they needed to be done, then I honor their decision to do it that way. Love them in your heart, remember the good times and be grateful for those. All else, discard.

    • nikkiham says

      Believe me, any ill will harbored left the day they died. How sad to think that was the only solution. How miserable they must have been waking up everyday. I cannot fathom, and it breaks my heart. xooxoxo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge