star-gazer-lily

Is incredibly thin.

It is unfathomable to me how one decision, one feeling, one action can make the line obsolete. One moment someone is here, on earth, and the next they are gone.

Each day we pass others on the street, wave hello, proffer a smile to a stranger, or hug friends/family members. Not realizing that this may be the last wave, smile or hug that may be exchanged. Ever.

Three pivotal men…

Played rolls in my life. Each one instigated or had a part in changing the direction of my life.

That is a huge thing.

To me these men have held room in my memory. For over 20 years they have lived within the pages of the scrap book in my mind. For over 20 years.

Two of these men never knew how drastically they effected my life. They were living their lives, consuming, gaining, profiting. I was collateral damage. A bit, or blip, on the radar of their existence. The destination of my life was altered by their choices. I was just one of many.

The third man was my life. My heart. My love. His life was directly altered by the first two men. He was dispensable. They threw him away.

Each one of them…

Over the last 20 years, had skirted the line between life and death. Flirted with it. Lived on the edge. Until they didn’t. Live, that is.

All three of these men, these men that were pivotal in my life, committed suicide.

Each one of them.

There are tears in my eyes…

And a sick feeling in my stomach as I write this. I am overwhelmed with sorrow and sadness.

I have been there.

I have flirted with the line. Because of life, love and depression. Or the loss of life and love.

Because, for a moment, just a moment, I could not see past-or beyond. I could not dig myself clear of the darkness. But for me, it was only a moment.

How sad, for each of these men, that they could not see the light. Not even a glimmer.

I knew,

When I was playing with the line between life and death, that if I crossed that line there was no coming back.  If I crossed the line, there were no “mulligans”, or “do overs”, or “trying again”.

In fact last year, as I lay in bed, month after month, that line was becoming very blurred. It was difficult for me to see the difference between the two sides. My life was bed-rest. Pain. Loneliness. And it was not only taking a toll on me, it was taking a toll on my husband and children. A huge toll.

For a moment, here and there, I thought about crossing the line. About taking all of my medication, about falling asleep. Checking out. Letting everyone else free of me, and the burden I was imposing upon them.

For a moment.

But unlike the three men,

Pivotal men, in my life…I still had faith. It was only the size of a mustard seed. Maybe smaller. But it was there. Inside me. A small glimmer of light.

I wish that everyone could hold within them a mustard seed.

I am saddened.

That these men could not see both sides of the line. Or a glimmer of light. Or hope.

I am devastated that they only saw two choices, pain or death.

We four lived the same life path…

We traveled together. Their choices, whether good or bad, produced my options. For many years we were braided together. Intertwined.

Though greed, avarice and gluttony were driving forces of their lives, they were still on the same path. Influencing events, and harvesting people that I loved. They were bigger than life, it seemed.

Now they are gone. They could not see their mustard seed. The line was crossed. And there is no “mulligan”, or “do over”. Each one of these men was loved. Others have been hurt deeply, because the line was crossed.

I have been the one left behind. Holding a bag of questions that will never be answered. Harboring the hurt, feeling I was not enough. Knowing that there were secrets and hurts, both too deep, too overwhelming to be spoken, darkness that was not shared with me. Wishing for over 20 years that I was enough. Carrying the guilt, like a weight on my back. Feeling inadequate, their leaving meant that I was not reason enough to stay.

And I am saddened.

Most of all, I am devastated by the fact that they could not see any reason to stay. That their pain was bigger. I cannot imagine pain, that is so big, so deep, so wide, that you cannot see past it. Pain that will not let you reach out to someone, anyone, and let them pull you away from the line.

Although I felt no love for two of these men, they were part of my life, my past.

Now, they are all gone. And I am saddened.

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This article was written because of overwhelming loss and sadness. It was on my heart today. Heavily.

Today is also Friday, which coincides with Finish The Sentence Friday. So, the topic today was “I have absolutely no interest in…”

This post falls into that category for me, although two of these pivotal men caused me much pain and loss, today I am not interested in what they did, decisions that they made, losses that they were a catalyst for. All of that has paled and faded by their choice to cross the line. I am not interested in retribution, or justification, or karma. I am rocked to the core by the loss. And I am sending love to each and every one of their family members and friends. I have been there. The one left behind.